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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.
"
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car.
"
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.
"
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,

Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,

Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,

We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,

And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'

And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me , Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,

And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see

A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,

And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,

Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me , Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,

And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,

And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,

At least not Bobby Darin or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,

And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,

And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,

Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,

And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,

And dorms were never coed in the Land That Made Me , Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,

And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,

And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me , Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,

And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,

And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,

We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me , Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,

And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,

And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me , Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to join AARP,

We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me , Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,

And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,

Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me , Me.

I now have type 2 diabetes. I have to stick my finger to test my blood . I have heart trouble too.  I had a heart attack 2 years ago. The VA is going to hook a  piece of equipment in my home that is connected by land line to their hospital. It will automatically send my sugar count and blood pressure to them every day. That is what happens when you grow old, your health goes down hill.

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.< / I>

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall,
curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next
day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find
out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you
are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap.
"
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note
pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2
under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"

> > > ...our government gave the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG instead to us as a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.
> > >
> > > To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bon-a-fide citizens 18+.
> > >
> > > Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.
> > > So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
> > >
> > > So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion which equals $425,000.00 to every person 18+ as a

> > > 'We Deserve It Dividend'.
> > >
> > > Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ would pay
> > > $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
> > >
> > > BUT it means that every adult 18+ would have $297,500.00 in their pocket. (A husband and wife would
> > > have $595,000.00).
> > >
> > > What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
> > >
> > > Perhaps you would pay off your mortgage (housing crisis solved), repay college loans (what a great
> > > boost to new grads), or put away money for college (it'll be there), or save in a bank (to create
> > > money to loan to entrepreneurs), or buy a new car (creating jobs), or invest in the market (capital drives
> > > economic growth), or pay for medical insurance (improving health care) or to enable deadbeat dads
> > > to come clean.
> > >
> > > Remember this is for every adult citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers
> > > and every other company that is cutting back, (and of course, for those serving in our armed forces).
> > >
> > > If we're going to re-distribute the wealth, let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00
> > > ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.
> > >
> > > If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U. S. citizen 18+!
> > >
> > > As for AIG, liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General.
> > >
> > > Sell off the real estate; let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
> > >
> > > Here's the rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
> > >
> > > Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work???"
> > >
> > > But can you imagine the coast-to-coast block party!
> > >
> > > Can you spell economic boom?
> > >
> > > I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion 'We Deserve It Dividend' more
> > > than I do the geniuses at AIG, (or the government for that matter).
> > >
> > > Remember, The plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly (like a rebate)    > > > in taxes to our Uncle Sam.
> > >

> > >

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on.  There is not a woman
alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.  Early
one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I
had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.  I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.  The trip
to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.  As
most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make
sure I was at least presentable.  I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I undressed, hopped up on the
table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?'  I didn't respond.  After the appointment,
I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.  The rest of the day was normal
... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.  After school when my 6 year old
daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my
washcloth?'
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'
Never going back to that doctor.  Ever. Needless to say, that didn't happen to me, but I laughed until I cried, and I hope the rest of you get a kick out of it.  Have a happy day.

Mom Test I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad." ''Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.

1.
A good head to be able to evaluate the quality of ideas and
suggestions presented to him.
2.
A good heart to be able to be compassionate and fair with the
people.
3. A good spirit to be able to hear the voice of God.
Some paths
God will lead you down don't make head and heart sense at the
time.
4. A good eye to be able to see things other people cannot.
5.
A good tongue to be able to communicate the vision to the
people and motivate them to follow.
6.
A good hand to be able to do the things that need to be
done. Knowing the right way is not the same as doing it.
7. A good foot to set an example for the people.
A minor flaw
can outshine a major mission in the eyes of small minds.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's.
What you do today, might burn your butt
tomorrow ! ! !
LOL ! !

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father
will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.
"
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
LOL ! ! !

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my pants.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like... 'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

As you may remember, my wife is disabled. She went for a sleep study because she has trouble sleeping at night. She found out that she has sleep Apia. They gave her a C pat machine to use at night when she sleeps. That is a  face mask  hooked to a rubber hose that blows air down her throat while she sleeps . The first night  she wore the mask to bed , I looked over at her , and I thought I was sleeping with a space alien. I am use to it now.